More than my Flips....

Summer is wearing on me. One major reason is my feeling of distance with my family. Don't see anyone much and I don't talk to them either. Nephews and nieces are growing and I am not a part of their life. Its a dangerous place to be, a stranger to those that share your DNA. It does have a un-settling feeling in me when I remember their ages and past experiences. Do I really want to be a memory of small chunks? It has me troubled and concerned.
Lost my flips, variable cost just kicked in. Still wearing my black flip flops, just circulating and not on my feet.

Time are individual packets
Of decisions
Either made or ignored.
What transpires affects
The next packet.
And gradually branches
Bloom.
Experience the bread crmbs that shows
Way.

Have a gift certificate that have held on for years. It was a birthday gift from a close friend. Since I am one of the hardest people to shop for she gave me that. The card was for a store that's now defunct and no longer in existence. Never knew why I kept considering I never really shopped there to beginning with. More of a sentiment considering who gave it to me.
The story, as I stop with unnecessary info distribution, is really about how I have measured time. I knew how long I have had the gift card every time I see it, but that changed a few days ago when the years of my ownership was said aloud. For some reason I got upset. The gift card was 7 years old and hearing that number with the word years hit a nerve.
7 years what had my life become? Any achievements to speak of? Had I graduated? Started the fortune 500 company I promised to with my MBA? Started a family? Found a partner? Grown closer to my family? My anger came from not finding anything; nothing at all.
"The anger comes once you have seen now what could have been if you has started then; fear and depression will follow once you see what will happen tomorrow knowing where you are now."

I have thoughts. Shouldn't sound exceptional everyone has them. Some more than others, many less than they realise.
Always wondered about my thoughts, why they are and what they mean. Using both bench marks I fail trying to place the thoughts in their right boxes.
Question becomes what boxes do they fit in or should they be in boxes at all? That question takes me one another journey, one that I can't take since still on one now.
Searching for how and what my thoughts are and mean. Would make life a decimal spot more understanable....more bearable and worthy of continuing....let's fit those questions in box an store it the other questions I never know how to answer, at least that I know where to put, not sure I should leave it there.
'still sling the black flops'

Twenty three thirty nine

Always at a point
Seen, known but
Never discovered.
A point where I end
Ending in ways that I can feel
Clarity, senrity, rest.
With that I rest,
I cease?

7th day

I started counting off a few days ago. Counting off to what you ask? Not
sure really. I have to make a decision about my life, about me. Been
stuck in invisible box that mvoes with me where ever direction I turn.
Its a very stubborn enclosing, can't break it cause I never really know
where it is.
So a count down has insued. On the day I just decided. No 'pro' or 'con'
lists put together just one decision made and carried out and hope we
start a new count.
No black flip flops today, todays feet ornaments were white socks.
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3:25 AM

I have a paper due in a week. Haven't started on it yet and truthfully
can't seem to get the desire to. Come to think of it haven't had the
desire to do many things. I seem to go thru this endless exercise where
I do so many things that numb out a pain that I can't described and
can't find. The "pain" is there, but where?
Its 3:25 AM, full moon caressing my bedroom walls and I want to sit on
the outside stairs with just the moonlight.
I can't find my black flip flops?!
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Sunday Afternoon

I became engrossed in the whole political process only recently. Finance
is what makes the world go round, politics is what navigates it. The
financial mess the economy is in is an entanglement of the american
dream. Capitalists, me, have come to the conclusion that there is only
so much the government can do, and truthfully can do. The pain of what
the economy is like has to let itself heal. The underlining problem that
we had before the crises kicked in is still there. How much money do you
think the government can put on a check that will fix that? The money
that we so want to bailout all these industries will come from
somewhere, the two questions no one seems to want an answer to is
'Where?' and 'Will the cause of this be resolved?'
Seems I am going to in my black flips flops a little longer.

Timeline

I was born;

Born and saw nought,

Born and knew nought.

I am growing;

Growing and see lots,

Growing and know lots.

I shall wither;

Wither having seen,

Wither having known.

I will die;

Die into abyss,

Die knowing this.

- broke my pair of thong flips